Why do I still feel so low years after postpartum?
There’s this really wacky and pervasive idea that maternal mental health is ultra important, but only for about one year after the birth of the baby. After that year, moms are told in subtle and not so subtle ways to ‘get back to normal’. This idea comes across within the medical field as the postpartum mental health check ins stop at approximately 6 weeks. Friend and family check ins seem to disappear a few months or even weeks postpartum. Societal standards to ‘bounce back’ both physically and mentally create the impression that we should all return to the exact same version of ourselves that existed pre-baby. What’s more, it can often feel as though the help and support we need for maternal mental health concerns quietly fades away as we move out of the postpartum year.
Seriously? What gives? In my experience as a psychologist working with moms across the entire span of motherhood, I can tell you from experience that you are not in the minority if motherhood has continued to feel hard, or if you face mental health challenges long after the birth of your child. You are not alone if you feel as though you have lost your identity, you are grieving the version of you that existed pre-kids, or you find yourself experiencing anger, depression, anxiety, or despair well beyond the early mothering stages. You are not broken. You are not a problem. You are a mother, doing the best you possibly can in a broken and problematic world that has forgotten how to support mothers. A world that not only perpetuates cycles of burnout and exhaustion in mothers, but additionally causes mothers to feel shame for these feelings.
So what contributes to mental health challenges in motherhood? Let take a closer look.
Mental load and uneven distribution of pressures
Don’t get me wrong, parenting is challenging for all parents, however mothers continue to experience disproportionately high pressures. The mental load of motherhood includes, but is not limited to, arranging schedules, planning activities, making the grocery lists, remembering birthdays, researching parenting techniques, etc. The constant lists running through your mind can feel exhausting, leaving no time for your own needs.
Isolation
Mom and baby groups designed to ease the loneliness of motherhood are easy to come by within the first year, however it can become increasingly more difficult for moms to find quality friendships in the later phases of motherhood. Loneliness is one of the top contributors to depression as it can create a sense that you are the only one who is dealing with challenges. Loneliness breeds shame and is one of the top contributors to long term depression and even physical health concerns.
Maternal identity shifts do not always align with expectations
For many women, becoming a mother is something we always planned and envisioned. From a young age, we hear narratives that depict motherhood as the ultimate dream, as though this one role could fulfill all of our expectations. These expectations of motherhood can lead to extreme disappointment and shock when we find ourselves '*gasp* not enjoying every minute. As women work to integrate the new role of mother within her identity, it can cause a lot of anxiety and confusion as she grapples with the notion that the version of motherhood she had always envisioned, may be different from the unique version of motherhood that is most in alignment with herself.
Pressure to exhibit perfection plagues mothers at all stages
There is no role in the world that is held to higher societal standards than motherhood, and it’s no wonder that mothers find themselves crumpling beneath the weight of these expectations. Women find themselves pulled in all directions as they aim to meet all of the standards placed upon them, trying to be the image of perfection in the ways that she responds to her children, feeds her family, dresses herself, parents, lives up to career expectations, maintains a house, etc. These pressures are not only unrealistic, but in striving to meet them all, women find themselves burned out and exhausted.
Finding mental health support for motherhood beyond postpartum can be challenging
The primary factor that impacts how well therapy can work for you, is the feeling that you are connected and understood by your therapist. Yet so many mothers beyond the first year find themselves not eligible for specialized mental health support and therefore find themselves in therapists offices explaining their pain to a white, middle aged man who simply does not get it. If you are facing any of the challenges outline above, seek support from a therapist who understands and specializes in maternal mental health beyond the postpartum year. You deserve to feel well, and whole, even as the world (and your children) work to systematically dismantle your sanity!
