The Perinatal Masquerade: When motherhood is harder than you can admit
The great masquerade. The unspoken stories of motherhood, silenced by a blanket of shame. The quiet, timid voice that gently longs to speak from the soul to ask if she is the only one who feels this way. I have a secret for you, for the woman desperately searching to know why she is the only one who finds motherhood so hard: you are not alone. Far from it. After working with thousands of women, I have seen countless women grapple with feelings of shame, guilt, and sadness within mother, and even more who quietly put on the mask, go out into the world, and pretend that they feel ‘fine’.
I recall my six week postpartum check up during which my doctor presented me with a clipboard and asked me to fill out an assessment to see how well I was coping. I took one look at the questions, realized that it was a mental health assessment, and answered the questioned quickly and ‘correctly’, ensuring that none of my answers would raise the alarm bells. I said I had rarely felt feelings of anxiety, that I had not felt sad or miserable, and that I had only occasionally been crying. Most importantly, I stated that the thought of harming myself had never occurred to me. These were all lies. I lied because I couldn’t face the thought of adding yet another appointment to my to-do list. I lied because I so desperately want to be seen as the happy, confident mother that others had assumed I would be. I also lied because I feared what my doctor may think of me as a parent if I were to share the truth. The truth is, I didn’t even want to admit to myself that I wasn’t enjoying motherhood as much as I had expected to.
The wild thing is, the perinatal masquerade exists even within the social relationships that are meant to bring a sense of community and support. Women attending their weekly Mommy and Me classes put on the brave face, show up, and gently lament the lack of sleep, typically finishing with a dismissing statement such as ‘but it has really been just so beautiful, I wouldn’t change it for the world’. This masquerade serves an important protective role, keeping us sheltered from the sense of shame put on us by a society who sets impossible standards of mothering. However, it also keeps us at arms length from one another, preventing the kind of true connection that can heal and nourish the soul of a new mother.
Shifting the perinatal masquerade is a big task, that requires an immense amount of bravery. The process can involve deep introspection about our internal narratives, the deeply ingrained versions of motherhood we may have held on to, and a lot of compassion as we gently reveal the true stories behind the masquerade, not only to others, but to ourselves.
If you, like countless others, have found yourself hiding behind a mask in motherhood, compassionate and supportive help is available. You may have even experienced mental health professions who caused you to feel lesser than when you attempted to open up about your feelings, thus deepening the fear of trying again. Please, try again. The right support is available and you deserve to live a life without a mask.
